This is about as honest as it gets for a writer. For a person.
I have a low rejection threshold. And one of the toughest assaults to my self-awareness is my newfound ability to admit it.
In an article shared on FaceBook today, Mary Doria Russell (the author of the amazing book “The Sparrow”) revealed that she had been dumped by her publisher or ten-plus years. This, a woman who has written a book that still appears on shelves, is still talked about, has not lost its ability to steal breath…dumped. She has found another publisher…but….
So where does that leave the rest of us?
And it is that reality—for me, a pre-reality in that I have not been pursuing the channels that will get me back in print—that lays me low.
Truth to tell? I’m terrified.
Other writers, creative artists, “normal” people have thicker skins. Mine resists calluses. In the condition of being an open nerve ending that so well describes me, I am the antithesis of the soul who can swim despite the undertow of disapproval.
Rejection and I have a solid hate-hate regard of one another. Hell, I can’t even stomach rejection on online dating sites. The message I just received, “Thank you for your attention, but I am not interested in pursuing a relationship”, has laid me low. A person I don’t even know—who does not know me—has rejected me. And I don’t understand why.
A vicious circle, this: try, fail; don’t try, don’t fail—but never succeed. Sometimes, the idea of not making the attempt is much more comforting than the prospect of the bad answer. Alone is better…unpublished is better…than the unsuccessful opposite. I am beyond sense. Beyond reason. Way-way beyond my ability to rein-in the feeling racing out of control.
Sometimes I feel as if I am one bad moment away from turning my face to the wall.
And the rest of you, that wonderful, solid, steady majority who lives beyond the paralysis of doubt…how do you manage it? Is it something you might bottle and send over here? I am foundering in the shallows of me. And I am listing to one side, taking on water, with no life vests in sight.
Sky Diaries 
22 comments
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February 27, 2013 at 7:49 am
Experienced Tutors
I will follow – hopefully makes you feel a little wanted.
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February 27, 2013 at 7:17 pm
lynnbiederstadt
Thank you so much for the follow…it did exactly what you intended it to!
-Lynn
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February 27, 2013 at 8:27 am
Martina Sevecke-Pohlen
Oh Lynn, my doubt comes in waves, and sometimes it takes a long time to seep away again. It does seep away eventually. I don’t know why. If I knew what to bottle, I would send it to you. I promise, I will when I discover a receipe …
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February 27, 2013 at 7:17 pm
lynnbiederstadt
Martina, your cure will be an especially sweet one, I know. And if I can return the favor, know that I will….
-Lynn
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February 27, 2013 at 8:29 am
Dave Higgins
I am not beyond the paralysis of doubt; however I try to remember that doubt is fear of the unknown, which never goes away if we remain unchanging.
One way to deal with this fear is to pre-load the decision with a worse fear. For example, to overcome a fear of being rejected by publishers, you could tell your friends you are going to submit a piece to a publisher next month; the fear of your friend asking how it went and you having to tell them you were too scared is likely to be greater than the fear of rejection, so will drive you toward fulfilment more than the fear of a rejection slip demotivates you.
Once you have started doing the things you fear, watch for whether the consequence was as bad as you expected. In my experience any negative result is less severe than I imagined, and comes paired with a positive feeling from having tried. Once you achieve this belief there is less need to make acting a least worst option.
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February 27, 2013 at 7:16 pm
lynnbiederstadt
Thank you much for this, Dave…Are these the ways you deal with it?
-Lynn
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February 28, 2013 at 3:23 am
Dave Higgins
I rarely make not trying more frightful than failing anymore because I have convinced myself imperfect action is better than stasis.
I do compare my fears to actual outcomes though to remind myself it is rarely as bad as I anticipated.
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February 27, 2013 at 9:01 am
Alexander M Zoltai
Lynn,
Have you forgotten you can self-publish???
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February 27, 2013 at 7:15 pm
lynnbiederstadt
AMZ…with your wonderful self as a banner on the hilltop, how could I forget?
-Lynn
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February 27, 2013 at 9:40 am
writerdood
Everyone hates rejection. Blowing it off is a learned skill. Maybe it’s easier for some than others, but everyone can do it. Rejection doesn’t equate to failure. Not meeting your goal equates to failure, and if your goal is getting back into print, then don’t go into the process without expecting rejection – anticipating rejection. You will be rejected. You know that. It’s not personal, it’s business. It doesn’t mean your work isn’t good, it’s just not what this particular individual is looking for. Your words must find an appreciative audience.
Quit moping and get back to work. You’ve got cover letters to tweak, pages to edit, drafts to draft, and emails to send. If you DO that stuff, and if you keep doing it, you’ll eventually meet your goal. Believe that, and refuse rejection. Falter, and you will fail.
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February 27, 2013 at 7:14 pm
lynnbiederstadt
Dood…Leave it to you to whup me upside the head (in the best possible way). You’re the best.
-Lynn
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February 27, 2013 at 9:44 am
Beth Anne Reed
Doubt keeps us honest as long as we don’t let it paralyze. It gets easier to tell the difference as you gain experience in life (I too was much more easily bruised in my younger years).
Sift through the action – such as Mary’s rejection – it wasn’t about her or her skill at all – it was a calculated business move based on the fact that mostly schlock is selling (hello, James Patterson & his industry of the same book over & over again written by other writers with his final stamp) and beauty in prose is a harder sell. Publishing is a business first.
You should be true to yourself, you have a wonderful skill of turning your observations into a written piece. Keep it up.
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February 27, 2013 at 7:13 pm
lynnbiederstadt
Beth Anne…Thanks for this. The biz side of writing I know well…it kicked me in the shins in the 80s when the bottom dropped out of publishing the first time. But your wisdom and perspective are wonderful, and I’m grateful to have both!
-Lynn
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March 5, 2013 at 9:24 am
Beth Anne Reed
Keep at it, your writing is quite lyrical!
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March 5, 2013 at 9:32 pm
lynnbiederstadt
Beth Anne, Thank you for that! Small encouragements are huge, sometimes!
-Lynn
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February 27, 2013 at 11:56 am
Jo Bryant
No one lives beyond the paralysis of doubt Lynn. Some just hide it better than others. Doubts is natural when you are told no, again and again. And doubt can be good. Makes you examine yourself and what you are doing. Then – once you know your reasons again…really know them…you try again…in another direction.
As for the dating thing…stay away from that. I tried it…what a disaster. There are always going to be people on there who are shallow and reject you before they know you…it is like asking for rejection in a bottle to be delivered like milk to your door every morning.
Have you seen the movie “Under A Tuscan Sun” ? There is a scene where a very wise woman tells Francis to just get on with her life…she tells her about once seaching in vain for ladybugs. Until she lay down in the grass and forgot about them. Just enjoyed the feel of the grass and the sun…when she opened her eyes there were ladybugs all over her. That analogy has always struck a chord with me…
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February 27, 2013 at 7:11 pm
lynnbiederstadt
Jo, You are my ladybug….
xo
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February 27, 2013 at 12:36 pm
jzrart
Love your honesty and all of the wonderful wisdom you’ve gathered here. Listen to it carefully and know that we all have doubt. The question is, Will we let it stop us? When I get a rejection, I happily through it in my rejection pile, knowing that acceptance is one step closer.
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February 27, 2013 at 7:11 pm
lynnbiederstadt
This is a practice I can learn from…I’m not even LETTING myself get rejected; I do it first for myself! Thanks so much for this!
-Lynn
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February 27, 2013 at 10:06 pm
David Stewart
I think everyone hates rejection. When I get a story turned down, I feel bad for a bit, but then go look for another place to send it. I try to expect it, but it’s still no fun.
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March 5, 2013 at 8:59 am
mywithershins
I found this quote on Rachel Gardner’s blog (she’s an agent). I don’t know if I’ve told you this one before or not, but it does seem appropriate:
“This manuscript of yours that has just come back from another editor is a precious package. Don’t consider it rejected. Consider that you’ve addressed it ‘To the editor who can appreciate my work’ and it has simply come back stamped ‘Not at this address.’ Just keep looking for the right address.”
— Barbara Kingsolver
With the state of the big publishing houses these days, it will be harder to find the right fit for a manuscript, and I say ‘right fit’ because that is exactly how I see it. I tried for 10 years to find a publisher that wanted my stories, 10 years of rejections, but when I read that the publisher I really wanted to publish my books was finally doing teen fiction, I knew the stars were finally aligned. I know it’s hard. The waiting can be unbearable, at times, but perseverance is the key. If you want to do it the traditional way, small presses might be the answer – or there’s always self-publishing. Please don’t give up! 🙂
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March 5, 2013 at 9:34 pm
lynnbiederstadt
MWS, You hadn’t told me that, and the story was wonderful. Maybe I should check with Ms. Gardner as a(nother) woman of wisdom. Thank you for being who you are…
-Lynn
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